Smitty Johnson Script Lines: Episodes 22-30

I am posting this, just so I can get it from camp as well. Feel free to read the lines, however they haven't been put into the official scripts of episodes 22-30 yet.

Smitty and Harvy: Episodes 22-30 (Script lines)

On Climbing and Hiking-Episode 22:

CA: Harvy and Smitty are shown practically crawling up a mountain side.

Harvy: Come on Smitty! It is episode 22 already! Our sub plot is supposed to end in this episode! We can make it! Just a little farther!

CA: Smitty is shown crawling with Marsha.

Smitty: Harvy! I am tired! I don't want to go another step!

Harvy: Same here. But we can't give up! Not now, not ever! We have a purpose to move on! A purpose that leads to our freedom! Our liberty! Our rights as a human beings! (Smitty's face is now shown listening to the speech) Smitty, if we have the guts and courage to move on, we can take a stand and make a revolution happen! (Harvy's face is shown again) We shall be strong! We shall not be merciful! We shall take over this show by taking it down with one blow at a time! We will become victorious!

CA: They stare at each other.

Smitty: And what does any of that have to do with taking over the show?

Harvy: How should I know? I just wanted to read off this speech I made for our victorious win!

Smitty: Victorious? Isn't that a television show?

Harvy: How should I know? Television is for the impatient!

Smitty: What does impattent mean?

CA: Harvy stares at the screen.


CA: Harvy is shown lurking around a corner, staring at Dr. Truscot's new location.

Harvy: There it is Smitty! We are here!

Smitty: We are!

Harvy: Yes! Now shut up you dimwit!

Smitty: Well fine then! Be that way! I will just give you the silent treatment!

Harvy: Smitty, if you were giving me the silent treatment, then that would mean you weren't speaking to me. You just spoke.

CA: Smitty stares at Harvy.

Smitty: You don't know that.

CA: Harvy stares at Smitty and then turns back to look at Dr. Truscot's new location.

Harvy: Okay! Time for the plan to go into action!

Smitty: What is the plan again?

Harvy: It is a diabolical and evil plan! That is all you need to know!

Smitty: You don't have a plan, do you?

Harvy: "Sighs" No, not really.

Smitty: You mean to say, we came all this way to not even have a plan in motion!

Harvy: I didn't say I didn't have a plan! I said I don't really have a plan!

Smitty: Isn't that the same thing as not having a plan? Besides, you just said "No, not really" and then sighed!

Harvy: Shut up! You know nothing!

CA: Dr. Truscot is shown walking around outside of his new location.

Harvy: Look! There he is! (looks around) Here, let me use this!

CA: Harvy picks up a stick and throws it.

CA: Dr. Truscot stretches and sits down, just missing a stick that flew above his head.

Dr. Truscot: Did you hear something?

Harvy: Dang it all!

Smitty: I told you, you need a foolproof plan to succeed!

Harvy: Shut up you fool! Why is it I brought you along again? I know I must have asked you along for some reason.

Smitty: Because I asked to go with you. Member? You said it would be fun! Well so far it hasn't been any fun at all! (starts crying)

Harvy: (Sarcastic) Oh dear me, I got you to cry. (Under his breath) Imbecile.

CA: Dr. Truscot is seen leaving the area.

Harvy: Come now Smitty! We must follow him!

Smitty: But I am tired!

CA: Harvy leaves the area.

Smitty: I am not moving another inch until I have had some relaxation! Hemm!

CA: Smitty sits down.

Harvy: Fine, have it your way! You stay here while I go take care of Dr. Truscot!

Smitty: I will!


CA: Harvy comes back and sits down next to Smitty, putting his head on his hands.

Smitty: How did it go?

Harvy: Do I seriously have to explain to you?

Smitty: Yes.

Harvy: It didn't work out as planned Smitty.

Smitty: Meaning what?

Harvy: Meaning it didn't work out! Even plan 29 failed..

CA: Smitty stares at Harvy.

Smitty: 29?

CA: Harvy stares at Smitty.

Harvy: I don't want to talk about it Smitty.

Smitty: Oh, okay... So, what do you want to do now?

Harvy: Go home and weep myself into sleep.

Smitty: Sounds like fun! When are we going?

CA: Harvy stares at Smitty and starts weeping again.

Smitty: Harvy, what is wrong?

Harvy: I am friends with an idiot! (cries)


On Food Poisoning-Episode 23:

CA: Smitty is shown eating a basket full of cookies.

Smitty: Why do these taste so weird?

CA: Harvy runs to Smitty.

Harvy: Smitty! Don't eat those! I filled them with poison to poison Dr. Truscot! Please tell me you didn't eat any of them!

Smitty: Uh, only seven...teen.

Harvy: Oh crap, I need to contact that food poisoning hotline! (Walks off screen) Where is the phone book when you need it!

CA: Smitty starts to eat more of the cookies.

Harvy: Smitty!


On Eye Sight-Episode 24:

Smitty: What is egg site?

Dr. Truscot: I said eye sight, not egg site.

Smitty: Oh sorry, I am dyslexic.

Dr. Truscot: But I said it out loud.


CA: Harvy is shown using binoculars, stalking Dr. Truscot's location.

Harvy: Dang! No sign of him! I wish I had better eye sight! (You then see Harvy right next to Dr. Truscot's new location) Then I wouldn't have to use these binoculars! I mean look at how far it is to that place!

Smitty: Hey Harvy.

CA: Harvy jumps.

Harvy: Don't sneak up on me like that again Smitty!

Smitty: Sorry about that. Have you seen Marsha lately?

Harvy: No I haven't. Now get lost! I need to think up another evil plan!

Smitty: Well the first one didn't work out so well for you, did it now!

Harvy: Smitty! Shut up!

Smitty: Yes sir...

Harvy: Good, now run along now and play with your stuffed animal thingy and let the evil mastermind do his work.

Smitty: What is matterminion mean?

CA: Harvy turns around and stares at Smitty.

Harvy: Boy, I think you have lost your mind! I said mast-er-mind!

Smitty: Oh, sorry, dyslexic!

Harvy: But I said it out loud.


On Blood Loss-Episode 25:

CA: Smitty is shown.

Smitty: I never knew that my blood was so important! I can't wait to tell Marsha and Harvy about this!

CA: Harvy is shown eating something.

Harvy: Mm, that is good, yes it is.

CA: Smitty runs in with Marsha on his head.

Smitty: Hey Harvy! Guess what!

Harvy: What is it Smitty?

Smitty: Blood is important for me!

CA: Harvy stares at Smitty.

Harvy: Blood is very important Smitty, but why do I get the feeling you don't have much blood up there in your noggin?

Smitty: I don't know what that is supposed to mean, but that sounds awesome!

Harvy: Just as I thought. You are absolutely brain dead.

CA: Harvy stares at Smitty.

CA: Smitty stares at Harvy.

Harvy: Perhaps blood isn't very important for you after all.

Smitty: Really? That is so cool! I can't wait to go and tell Truscot that!

CA: Smitty leaves the area.

Harvy: Wow, what an idiot...


CA: Smitty is shown running onto the screen and is out of breath.

CA: Dr. Truscot stares at him.

CA: Smitty holds up a finger, suggesting that he is still out of breath.

Smitty: Phew, I just ran forty feet! I am so tired! Anyways, Truscot, Harvy said blood is very important, but not for me!

Dr. Truscot: Really now? (pauses) Smitty, have you ever heard of a therapist?

Smitty: What is a therpatist?

Dr. Truscot: Oh, nothing serious. Just a head doctor. I can refer you to someone to help you.

Smitty: Help me with what?

Dr. Truscot: Oh, just help you with little things here and there. Nothing big.

CA: The two walk away, with Dr. Truscot speaking as they walk.

Smitty: What kind of little things?

Dr. Truscot: Just small things to make you feel and think better.

Smitty: Oh, I can't wait! Marsha will be so happy for me!

Dr. Truscot: Yes, yes he will be...

Smitty: She...

Dr. Truscot: Right, a she.


On Germs-Episode 26:

CA: Smitty is shown.

Smitty: Germs! Germs sounds like a bad word! (holds up Marsha) Don't worry Marsha, I will protect you from those filthy, despicable germs!

CA: Harvy walks onto the screen.

Harvy: Smitty, I see your therapy sessions didn't work out for you very well, now did they?

Smitty: All he used was big words like "noncoherent" and "misunderstanding"! Harvy, don't let me go back there! (looks around, then puts Marsha on his head, looking through her paws) I think he sees me! He wants to help me he says, but he doesn't actually! it is just a ploy for more money!

Harvy: Smitty, you know you are rich, right? Your parents own a car dealership...

Smitty: Oh right... Well he wasn't much help either way.

Harvy: ...Right.

Smitty: Aghghaga! Germs! They have come to eat Marsha!

Harvy: Eat Marsha? Smitty, what exactly do you think germs are even?

Smitty: They are a bike gang with big fists that come from the moon and land in front of me to steal my Marsha from me with a bag of peanuts.

CA: Harvy stares at Smitty:

Harvy: Just as I suspected, you have absolutely no clue what they are...so you made up your own assumption.

Smitty: I don't know what that means, but I assume it has something to do with food?

Harvy: Sure, let's go with that and leave it at that.

CA: They turn the other direction and start walking away.

Harvy: Now Smitty, have you ever heard of these nice people who wear white jackets and come to your whereabouts with needles and nets?

Smitty: Do you mean Dr. Dontrust?

Harvy: Smitty, do me a favor. Breath in and breath out for me.


On Accidents-Episode 27:

CA: Smitty is shown walking along and tripping. Getting up and then tripping again.

CA: He is then shown walking into a tree and falling over.

CA: Smitty then is shown walking through trees and then having a branch hit him in the head.

CA: Smitty then falls over again and rolls down a hill.

CA: Smitty is now shown with multiple bandages and an ice back on his cheek.

Smitty: I don't like demonstrating accidents!

Harvy: Neither do I!

CA: Smitty looks around until he sees Harvy.

CA: Harvy is shown on the rock wall.

Smitty: How'd ya get up a there?

CA: I don't know, it was dark out and I thought I saw a squirrel chasing me with some guy who claimed to be a vampire and this crazy owl... You know what! Forget it! I don't need to tell you the story! Just get me down from here!

Smitty: What was that about a vampire?

Harvy: It was a trap I tell you!


On Lunacy-Episode 28:

CA: Series opening.

CA: Smitty is shown walking in slomo, holding Marsha. Then Harvy is shown running onto the screen as the duo run up to the house together.

CA: Harvy sits down on a chair followed by Smitty.

Smitty: Today's episode is on Lunacy! Uh, what does that mean again Harv?

Harvy: First of all, never call me that again if you wish to live (Smitty's face turns sad) and second of all, lunacy refers to people who have gone insane. Or in other words, crazy.

Smitty: Hey Harvy, why is it we are hosting today's episode anyways? I mean Dr. Truscot and Dr. Dontrust are perfectly fine. Wait, you didn't kidnap them again and pretend to be Doctor V again, right?

Harvy: Of course not! Dr. Truscot and Dr. Dontrust are simply on vacation and asked Dr. Mister to host today's episode.

CA: Dr. Truscot and Dr. Dontrust are shown relaxing on their own.

Harvy: When Dr. Mister realized that he would have to work side by side with Professor Sausage again, he refused to show up. So then they asked you to host. I just forced you to allow me to host with you today.

Smitty: Oh, okay! So is everyone else helping us today?

Harvy: Looks like it.

Smitty: Even Marsha and Alfred the dog?

Harvy: Sadly, yes.

Smitty: This is the best day ever! (screams)

CA: Smitty is shown with Harvy outside by a road as a car drives by.

Harvy: Smitty, why did you want to see a car drive by again?

Smitty: I wanted them to see Marsha!

CA: Smitty is shown in the forest walking around with Harvy.

Smitty: Harvy, I think this is your cue to explain what lunacy is again. Because I don't understand it at all.

Harvy: Oh, right! If you are insane, then you probably wouldn't even understand what I am about to say. Mainly, by experiencing lunacy, you are exposed to meaningless behavior and do things you wouldn't do if you were sane. Make sense?

Smitty: I lost you at the first sentence. (smiles and hugs Marsha as Harvy stares at him)

CA: Harvy is shown in front of Dr. Truscot's house.

Harvy: If you are insane, you might be hearing voices.

CA: Smitty walks behind Harvy and is speaking to Marsha.

CA: Harvy is shown inside with Smitty.

Harvy: If you are insane, you might think everyone else is insane and repetitively attempt to bring them to asylums.

CA: Professor Sausage is shown holding a net.

Professor Sausage: Where are you Dr. Mister? It is time for his check up at the asylum! Hehehe.

CA: Harvy is shown outside sitting down next to Smitty.

Harvy: If you are insane, you might even start to obsess over a certain situation.

Smitty: Don't you do that all the time?

Harvy: What do you mean?

Smitty: I mean, you are always obsessing about taking over this show!

Harvy: Oh, right... Scratch that last step.

CA: Harvy is shown inside sitting next to Smitty.

Harvy: I swear, I heard something Smitty!

Smitty: I didn't hear anything.

Harvy: Whatever, let's leave this room!

CA: Fire Pig is shown staring at them as they leave.

Fire Pig: I never get any fun these days.


Harvy: Stupid stuffed animal! It is freaking me out! Now where can I hide this blasted thing? Hmmm...

CA: Harvy is shown outside again, attempting to hide Marsha in numerous locations.

Harvy: Alone at last! Anyways, you might even experience anger for no reason.

CA: A club hits Harvy on the head.

Smitty: What did you do with Marsha?

CA: Smitty starts whacking Harvy on the head some more.

CA: Harvy is shown in front of a refrigerator getting an ice pack for his head.

Harvy: There are more things that could happen to you if you are insane, but for my own health, I decided against explaining anymore. Mainly because the rest of the cast would probably kill me if I did... How does Dr. Truscot do this all the time anyways? Maybe I shouldn't want to take over this show...


CA: Smitty is shown petting Alfred's head as Harvy sits down next to him.

Smitty: What happened with you and Truscot?

Harvy: We finally see eye to eye with each other Smitty. For better or for worse, I am here to stay. I am done trying to take over the show. I learned my lesson.

Smitty: So does this mean we can go hang out and have tacos together?

Harvy: You know what, yeah, let's go get those tacos!

CA: The two leave behind the house.

CA: You see Harvy and Smitty leaving together at the end of the driveway.


On A Healthy Work Environment-Episode 29:

CA: Harvy is shown with a new outfit, however still wears his sun glasses.

Harvy: This work environment is never healthy. Everyone is always crazy! I mean, look at that guy!

CA: Smitty is shown eating while holding Alfred the Dog and having Marsha on his head.

Smitty: (speaking with a mouthful) What?


CA: Harvy is shown again sitting with Smitty.

Harvy: I am sorry Smitty. Henry is right, we all have our differences, but none of us are crazy. Just some of us are not as smart as the others. Not mentioning any names though. You can interpret who is dumb on your own time.

Smitty: Heh! You definitely know what you are talking about! Now, do you have any chocolate syrup?

Harvy: Though for some of us, interpreting who is the dumbest person on this show, is harder than others.


CA: Smitty is shown fighting Harvy for no reason and destroying the office.

Harvy: Smitty! Stop this nonsense!

CA: Smitty starts laughing in the background.

CA: A door bell is heard.

Harvy: Oh my God! Who is that at a time like this?

CA: Harvy runs outside and sees Doctor V and they immediately start arguing.


CA: Smitty is shown in his office, which is a wreck.

Smitty: I am... okay!

CA: Smitty reaches for a piece of paper and begins filing it with a nail filer.


CA: Smitty is shown next to Harvy.

Smitty: He made me do it!

Harvy: I did not!

Smitty: Liar!


CA: Smitty is shown holding Marsha.

Smitty: Wait, I am confused. What is going on?

Harvy: It means the show might be canceled Smitty...

Smitty: But I don't want it to be canceled! (cries)

Harvy: It is okay Smitty, we will all pull through. Just got to give it time.

Smitty: (continues crying) How will I be able to afford tacos anymore?

Harvy: Smitty, this never was a paying job. You have money. You are rich, remember? Your parents own a car dealership down the street from here.

Smitty: (stops crying) Oh right. Then let's go get me some tacos!

CA: Runs away.

Harvy: Oyeh...

CA: Harvy follows behind him slowly.

Smitty: Come on Harv!

Harvy: My name is Harvy Reynol! Not Harv! Now get back here Receptionist Smitty Johnson the Thirteenth!

CA: Harvy chases Smitty.


On Stressful Situations-The Final Episode:

CA: Harvy is seen with his head down on a table. Smitty walks in.

Smitty: What's the prob Harv?

Harvy: Harvy...

Smitty: Harvy...

CA: He raises his head.

Harvy: This is the final episode Smitty! Henry lost his medical license! Banks got fired! Professor Sausage was institutionalized! And Alfred, well who knows what happened to him!

Smitty: Sounds bad. And who is Alfred?

Harvy: Oh forget it Smitty. I want to be alone for the time being.


CA: Smitty is shown walking up to Dr. Truscot, who has his hands on his forehead.

Smitty: You seemed stressed out Truscot.

CA: Smitty sits down next to him.

Dr. Truscot: That is because I am Smitty. I lost my new office. I lost my medical license. Alfred is either dead or missing and to top it all off, I am losing this show! How stressed can one get?

Smitty: Well, there is always hope to renew. Maybe you could make up a new series? A new show to discuss health related topics. You know.

Dr. Truscot: You are nice Smitty, but we have already covered all of the main health related topics and some that were only affiliated with health related topics. To have a new show, it would have to be something totally different. I am no longer a doctor.

Smitty: Were you ever actually a doctor? I mean, you are only like eighteen!

Dr. Truscot: (sarcastic) Such support you give Smitty.

Smitty: Thanks! I try my best to be supportive!

Dr. Truscot: Right...

Smitty: Hey, have you seen Marsha lately?

CA: Dr. Truscot turns to Smitty.

Dr. Truscot: You do realize she is a stuffed teddy bear, right?

Smitty: Not only is she a teddy bear, but she is a cuddly friend who always likes to hug!

CA: Marsha flies in.

Smitty: Marsha!

Dr. Truscot: You know Smitty, we have all come a long way. Yes, even you have come a long way since you were first brought onto this show. To think, I never would have met you if it wasn't for you calling the wrong number, asking for tacos and interrupting our show.

Smitty: Yeah... Good times. I loved eating those tacos. (looks like he is daydreaming)

Dr. Truscot: All right, well I will talk to you later Smitty. You have turned out to be a great friend. I hope you know that.

CA: Dr. Truscot starts to leave and then turns back.

Dr. Truscot: Almost forgot! Here...

CA: He hands over a piece of paper and a nail filer.

Smitty: Thanks! (immediately starts filing the paper)

CA: Dr. Truscot smiles and leaves.


CA: Smitty walks up to Harvy and sits down next to him.

Harvy: Smitty, I came into this show by accident. Wanting an acting career. So I took Bill's spot...

Smitty: Bill?

Harvy: Yeah, you know him as Doctor V.

Smitty: Ohhhh...

Harvy: Yeah, anyways, I took his spot and impersonated him. It was a failed attempt as Dr. Mister realized that I wasn't him. So then once Bill hears of me, he seeks me out and finds me. Ever since then, I was trying to take over the show along with your help. Now all of a sudden, I am an actual contender of the show and then what happens? Got canceled. I can't win!

Smitty: Sure you can win! You just beat me at checkers the other day!

Harvy: That was chess Smitty. You know, that is why I like you as a friend! You never have any clue as to what is going on. So you either do what people ask of you or you don't understand what people ask of you.

Smitty: Yeah... (smiles and looks like he is daydreaming again)

Harvy: Anyways Smitty, I am glad we have had this talk. Now I know, that whatever happens, will happen, cause that is what life is. Unpredictable.

CA: They just stare into the forest in silence.

Smitty: So, what do you want to do now?

Harvy: Don't know. But whatever it is, I hope it will be enjoyable. Shall we go and find our own path to life?

Smitty: Lets! Now, where did I put Alfred the dog?

Harvy/Smitty: Both begin laughing.

Smitty: (stops laughing) I don't get it.

Harvy: Come now Smitty.

Smitty: Where we going?

Harvy: Wherever our destiny takes us!

CA: The two leave into the forest, not looking back.